I call them The Ass Men

April 20, 2010 at 10:58 am Leave a comment

Introducing the men who have helped my ass become as painful as it is today.

1. Oh! Canada! (Biliopancreatic Diversion with a Duodenal Switch surgeon)

I had weight-loss surgery on election day, 2008. That morning I woke up early, found a shar*pie marker, and wrote OBAMA on my arm in huge letters. That afternoon I endured glowers from members of the anesthesiology team, and I’ve always believed that my subsequent pain afterwards was because they refused to use my “contaminated” left arm for IV narcotics.

Oh! Canada! came to see me while I was in pre-op, blindly waiting for versed — blind because they’d taken my glasses away! — and he assured me that he wasn’t a citizen and didn’t vote.

(And, yes, for all you conservatives: I had surgery done by an IMMIGRANT! I took a JOB out of the hands of an AMERICAN CITIZEN and gave it to a NON-AMERICAN! And I think it was the best decision I ever made!)

2. Circa-1980s Rob Lowe, MD (local colorectal surgeon #1)

The first time I had ass-pain, I goo*gled for a local colorectal surgeon and found Circa-1980s Rob Lowe, MD. Bad hair and clothes withstanding. I almost started laughing when I realized that Circa-1980s Rob Lowe, MD, was gone to stare deeply into the inner-most crevices of my… behind. While my cheeks were taped apart. And he had on a caving helmet.

Circa-1980s Rob Lowe, MD is… well, you get the picture. Unfortunately, during my first experience with him I determined that he is prettier than he is competent which lead me to…

3. Disapproving House (local colorectal surgeon #2)

When Circa-1980s Rob Lowe MD did a procedure that didn’t quite work, I sought the advice of another local colorectal surgeon, and ended up in the office of Disapproving House. He’s rude, abrupt, unpleasant, and was very disapproving that I’d seen another colorectal surgeon before coming to him. He fixed me up though, and I hoped I’d never have to see him again.

4. My Indian Chemical Romance (Gastrointestinal doctor)

I don’t have much to say about My Indian Chemical Romance. I go see him every few months when I’ve just spent a week on the toilet and he tries various medications/admits me to the hospital for dehydration/does tests that are totally inconclusive/completely wrong. He finds my surgery and subsequent complications very intriguing.

Recently Wii asked me about him. I said, “He’s okay, he does a lot of tests to rule things out, but the best thing about him is that he’s really cute.”

I sent her a link to his office page, and she replied, “You only think that because he’s the Indian version of your husband.”

And — OMG! OMFG! ZOMFG!1111 — she’s right, and I didn’t notice until that very moment. In fact, as I was photo*shopping this picture, My Masterpiece sat in my lap and pointed at the screen and said, “Dats daddy.”

5. Dr. Wins-The-Battle-Loses-The-War (Miami colorectal surgeon)

On one hand, he performed surgery that fixed a very painful problem. On the other hand, the procedure that he did to fix the problem has created — I think — more pain than its fixed. Since coming back from Florida, I’ve seen both Circa-1980s Rob Lowe MD and Disapproving House, and both have agreed that I am suffering from the incisions made by Dr. Wins-The-Battle-Loses-The-War. And they’ve both given me a lot of painkillers.

6. My Therapist. I go there, I pay $10, and for an hour I talk about my favorite subject: ME.

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Entry filed under: weight loss surgery.

What my bathroom says about me Confronting my fear of confrontation.

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About Mommy Soup

Wife and homeschooling mom of five, including my Christmas Day homebirth baby. Not Catholic, Amish, or quiverfull; we just like to... you know!

Writing about my interests: natural pregnancy and birth; attachment parenting; cooking; baking; homeschooling; green living; human rights; child passenger safety; dog training, and life after weight-loss surgery.

In my free time I try to figure out how I can promote world peace while wasting time on Facebook.

NaNoWriMo 2010

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