Homeschool lesson #25233296532: Poetry

April 8, 2010 at 9:27 am 5 comments

In which I use my recent experiences to illustrate three common types of poetry.



Butt Doctor

Examined my behind

Very tender tissues there



Rear end floating high

Shining light shows incisions

Doctor says I’m fine

Epitaph — according to this site, an epitaph is a form of poetry!

Here lies Cream of Mommy’s ass-ventures. They began in San Diego, during her pregnancy with The Informant. She felt something sticking out that should instead be in; definitely an anal tumor. However, it was “merely” a hemorrhoid.* After pushing out two more daughters**, and having weight-loss surgery( a Biliopancreatic Diversion with a Duodenal Switch), the fun continued in Charlotte, North Carolina. This time, she employed the use of a colorectal surgeon, and thus had her first experience paying a doctor to worship at the High Temple of Ass-In-The-Air-Under-Bright-Lights. Next she took her show on the road to Florida. While on vacation, rather than sip a Mai-Tai on the beach, she wore My Masterpiece in a Mei Tai — which had absolutely nothing to do with anything, except that it gave her the opportunity to use the phrase “mei-tei” twice in one sentence, which may be a blog record. Thinking she may have yet another “mere” hemorrhoid, she opted to see a doctor. Although staying in the vaulted, gated residence of her parents in an affluent neighborhood in Fort Lauderdale, she could only get an appointment with a colorectal surgeon in the seediest of neighborhoods in Miami.  Of course. The doctor who performed his version of an ass-ectomy — markedly different from the type of ass-ectomy that would be performed by the surgeon in Charlotte, apparently — continued the chain reaction of events: from ass pain, to pain in the incision of the ass; completely different, and leaving her to wonder if the surgery itself was worthwhile at all, save for the good drugs. Now, thanks to copious amounts of pain-killers, as well as sitting on pillows, she is on the mend and believes the ass-tastic adventures of Cream of Mommy are dead.

*Only people who have never had a hemorrhoid can say “merely” like that.

** Folk wisdom says that pregnancy with a daughter steals her mother’s beauty. I believe that pregnancy with a daughter steals her mother’s blissful unawareness of her own ass and the subsequent pain and discomfort that can happen down there.

Stay tuned for more homeschool lessons: Science! History! Economics!


Entry filed under: homeschool, weight loss surgery. Tags: , , .

Give in to the urge; it’s only natural. How to burn onions and melt the food processor

5 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Dionna @ Code Name: Mama  |  April 8, 2010 at 9:40 am

    Hi.Larious. (that’s all I have to say about the subject; you’ve said enough) 😉

  • 2. baj4life  |  April 8, 2010 at 11:30 am

    Hee! Gotta love an ass haiku.

  • 3. Abundant B'earth  |  April 8, 2010 at 3:46 pm

    My Haiku response:

    male babies also
    bring hemorrhoids; I suggest

    • 4. creamofmommysoup  |  April 8, 2010 at 3:51 pm

      My male babies brought me heartburn. What exactly do you suggest for it? I don’t have vein problems anywhere else.

  • 5. Abundant B'earth  |  April 9, 2010 at 1:56 pm

    Hamamelis is usually the remedy to try first; what worked for mine was Aesculus.


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About Mommy Soup

Wife and homeschooling mom of five, including my Christmas Day homebirth baby. Not Catholic, Amish, or quiverfull; we just like to... you know!

Writing about my interests: natural pregnancy and birth; attachment parenting; cooking; baking; homeschooling; green living; human rights; child passenger safety; dog training, and life after weight-loss surgery.

In my free time I try to figure out how I can promote world peace while wasting time on Facebook.

NaNoWriMo 2010

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