Homeschool lesson #25233296532: Poetry

April 8, 2010 at 9:27 am 5 comments

In which I use my recent experiences to illustrate three common types of poetry.

Cinquain:

Proctologist

Butt Doctor

Examined my behind

Very tender tissues there

Improving

Haiku:

Rear end floating high

Shining light shows incisions

Doctor says I’m fine

Epitaph — according to this site, an epitaph is a form of poetry!

Here lies Cream of Mommy’s ass-ventures. They began in San Diego, during her pregnancy with The Informant. She felt something sticking out that should instead be in; definitely an anal tumor. However, it was “merely” a hemorrhoid.* After pushing out two more daughters**, and having weight-loss surgery( a Biliopancreatic Diversion with a Duodenal Switch), the fun continued in Charlotte, North Carolina. This time, she employed the use of a colorectal surgeon, and thus had her first experience paying a doctor to worship at the High Temple of Ass-In-The-Air-Under-Bright-Lights. Next she took her show on the road to Florida. While on vacation, rather than sip a Mai-Tai on the beach, she wore My Masterpiece in a Mei Tai — which had absolutely nothing to do with anything, except that it gave her the opportunity to use the phrase “mei-tei” twice in one sentence, which may be a blog record. Thinking she may have yet another “mere” hemorrhoid, she opted to see a doctor. Although staying in the vaulted, gated residence of her parents in an affluent neighborhood in Fort Lauderdale, she could only get an appointment with a colorectal surgeon in the seediest of neighborhoods in Miami.  Of course. The doctor who performed his version of an ass-ectomy — markedly different from the type of ass-ectomy that would be performed by the surgeon in Charlotte, apparently — continued the chain reaction of events: from ass pain, to pain in the incision of the ass; completely different, and leaving her to wonder if the surgery itself was worthwhile at all, save for the good drugs. Now, thanks to copious amounts of pain-killers, as well as sitting on pillows, she is on the mend and believes the ass-tastic adventures of Cream of Mommy are dead.

*Only people who have never had a hemorrhoid can say “merely” like that.

** Folk wisdom says that pregnancy with a daughter steals her mother’s beauty. I believe that pregnancy with a daughter steals her mother’s blissful unawareness of her own ass and the subsequent pain and discomfort that can happen down there.

Stay tuned for more homeschool lessons: Science! History! Economics!


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Entry filed under: homeschool, weight loss surgery. Tags: , , .

Give in to the urge; it’s only natural. How to burn onions and melt the food processor

5 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Dionna @ Code Name: Mama  |  April 8, 2010 at 9:40 am

    Hi.Larious. (that’s all I have to say about the subject; you’ve said enough) 😉

    Reply
  • 2. baj4life  |  April 8, 2010 at 11:30 am

    Hee! Gotta love an ass haiku.

    Reply
  • 3. Abundant B'earth  |  April 8, 2010 at 3:46 pm

    My Haiku response:

    male babies also
    bring hemorrhoids; I suggest
    homeopathy

    Reply
    • 4. creamofmommysoup  |  April 8, 2010 at 3:51 pm

      My male babies brought me heartburn. What exactly do you suggest for it? I don’t have vein problems anywhere else.

      Reply
  • 5. Abundant B'earth  |  April 9, 2010 at 1:56 pm

    Hamamelis is usually the remedy to try first; what worked for mine was Aesculus.

    Reply

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About Mommy Soup

Wife and homeschooling mom of five, including my Christmas Day homebirth baby. Not Catholic, Amish, or quiverfull; we just like to... you know!

Writing about my interests: natural pregnancy and birth; attachment parenting; cooking; baking; homeschooling; green living; human rights; child passenger safety; dog training, and life after weight-loss surgery.

In my free time I try to figure out how I can promote world peace while wasting time on Facebook.

NaNoWriMo 2010

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