I’ll see that snark — and raise you one.

March 30, 2010 at 1:01 am Leave a comment

Today I saw a colorectal surgeon.To answer the obvious questions: Yes, I’m still on vacation. No, I could not wait til I got home; the pain was so severe that I willingly drove nearly an hour into a very questionable area of Miami in order to have a doctor with extremely large hands glove up, put on some caving gear and —

You get the idea.

I won’t go into the specifics* but suffice it to say that tomorrow afternoon I’ll start drinking that nasty colonoscopy stuff in order to have a surgical procedure done on Wednesday that will involve anesthesia, gloved hands in very delicate parts, a donut pillow to sit on afterwards — and hopefully some really good drugs.

I will share this: my particular ailment ranks as the third most-painful anal condition!

It is extremely painful, says the woman who still can’t believe she had a baby without any medication, in a birth pool in my bedroom. (Thank goodness I had witnesses. Seriously. My first words after delivering My Masterpiece were, “I can NOT believe I did that.” I take ty*lenol for a paper cut.)

Luckily, this particular colorectal surgeon, Dr. Spelunking, could see me on short notice, as a new patient from out-of-town.

There is truly nothing more enjoyable than answering the question “location of injury” at the colorectal surgeon’s office. (Editor’s note: A close second was last September, dictating to a nurse my “medical goals for treatment” when I was admitted to a hospital for dehydration secondary to diarrhea. While I was getting an IV and blissful, blissful fluids, the nurse said, “What are your medical goals for treatment while you’re here?” I replied, “I’d like to stop shitting my brains out.” She looked shocked and said, “Ma’am, I can’t write that down.” I said, “I was just kidding! I’m not shitting my brains out — it’s my intestines. Please write, ‘Patient would like to stop shitting out her intestines…'”)

That was a fun week. I had to give, uh, samples, every few hours. Samples. In a container. To a nurse. (Please, tell me whoever has that job is paid well.)

But back to filling out forms in Dr. Spelunking’s office. For “location of injury,” I thought for a second and wrote, “ASS.”

When the nurse brought me back, after the usual lecture about stool softeners and fiber and eating a balanced diet, yada yada, she read my chart.

Nurse Tight-Ass: “For ‘Location of Injury’ you wrote…”

Actual Tight-Ass: “ASS.”

Nurse Tight-Ass: (With snark.) “Most people write anus.”

Actual Tight-Ass, who has spent the last 24 hours on the toilet, in pain, debating whether or not to see a colorectal surgeon while on freaking vacation; then spent hours calling the local hospital that is approximately three minutes from my parent’s house and has an actual colorectal surgery center — only to be told their next available appointment is in 2015 — while finally finding this particular colorectal surgeon in a hospital that is — again — located nearly an hour away in a very questionable area that I would only drive to if I were having pain in my ass so severe that I couldn’t wait til I got home to see my usual colorectal surgeon, who has a lovely office in a lovely area of town: “This is a colorectal surgeon’s office, correct? Do you think I’m here because I have swine flu?”

*I will totally tell you exactly what my specific anal ailment is, if you want to email me. geberika (at) gmail (dot) com. I will go into graphic detail. I will send pictures. You are warned.

Advertisements

Entry filed under: weight loss surgery.

Homeschoolers: Vacationing with Regular-Schoolers since 2010 I wish I could joke, but the drugs aren’t good enough.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Trackback this post  |  Subscribe to the comments via RSS Feed


About Mommy Soup

Wife and homeschooling mom of five, including my Christmas Day homebirth baby. Not Catholic, Amish, or quiverfull; we just like to... you know!

Writing about my interests: natural pregnancy and birth; attachment parenting; cooking; baking; homeschooling; green living; human rights; child passenger safety; dog training, and life after weight-loss surgery.

In my free time I try to figure out how I can promote world peace while wasting time on Facebook.

NaNoWriMo 2010

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 11 other followers

Feeds

Cream of Mommy Soup is on Facebook!


%d bloggers like this: