The Final Wet Wipe
I have watched nearly every season of The Bachelor/ette. I am not proud of this. So, last night, while I was watching Ali play with her urine-yellow extensions in the same way that she played with poor Chris’ heart, and My Masterpiece — who was upstairs dropping clean laundry over the landing — was shrieking because she’d taken too long of a nap, and wasn’t tired at 10:00pm — I thought about the Bachelor/ette for children.
I don’t want to fake-engagement-then-dramatic-break-up them off; I just wonder, what would life be like if moms and kids were on a reality show in which some children get sent home (to be taken care of by their dads?!?!? SNORT) and one final child gets The Final Wipe in the Most Dramatic Wet Wipe Ceremony Ever:
- Group dates would take place at a park which has a secure fence and is not in proximity to a major street. Only because I once my took my then-only-two-children-as-opposed-to-my-current-four children to a park and they both ran straight for oncoming traffic. (I have no idea why California has fence-less parks so close to major roads.) In a fit of what can only be described as genius, I tripped one, and grabbed the other. I was 9 months pregnant with The Informant. My water broke that afternoon.
- Two-on-one dates would be canceled. Really, what is less fun for a mom than trying to give her undivided attention to two children at once? And the part where she asks for alone time with one — I can only imagine what the other child would get into. On-camera, of course.
- One-on-one dates would consist of trips to the grocery store or Target, or other errand-like activities. The losing children after these dates would be sent home with leashes.
- Romantic overnight dates would be changed to nap dates.
- Moms would never choose the key for the shared “fantasy” suite. Seriously, it’s not a fantasy when you’re sharing a bed with a two-year-old who likes to sleep perpendicular to you while scratching you with her claw-like little toenails all night, My Masterpiece.
At the end, the moms would take the children for the final evaluation: by their families/babysitters/friends. Then she would talk for forty-five minutes about this (endless) journey and the (umbilical cord) connection she has to each child and make her pick.
After the Final Wet Wipe would take place in a therapist’s office, with Chris Harrison acting as mediator.