Open letters RE: Baby Tax Deduction

May 21, 2010 at 9:46 pm 4 comments

Dear Dr. Gagner,

It’s me again, the girl who had OBAMA written on her arm in permanent black marker on the day you performed my surgery. In my defense, it was election day, and I was a proud absentee voter. I’m sure you remember how the anesthesiologists whined about my arm being “unsterile” (their word) and threatened to leave me awake while you rearranged my intestines. In fact, that’s probably why my recovery was so freaking painful that I had to all but pay the nurses to score me some dope on a street corner since mor*phine is clearly a total waste of time. Why not just some tylen*ol? UGH.

Anyway, Gagner, I just found out I’m pregnant. I’m 11 weeks. This will be #5 for me and I’m planning a homebirth.

I assume that as a non-American doctor, you are enlightened enough to realize that homebirth is just as safe as hospital birth for low-risk pregnancies. I realize I’m not quite low-risk, but my labs look good and I’m continuing my supplements and eating every ounce of protein that isn’t physically nailed to the ground. I’m even back to drinking those absolutely disgusting protein shakes. SHUDDER.

I’m seeing an OB along with a homebirth midwife, and having growth ultrasounds done every eight weeks to make sure Tax Deduction (due in December) is growing properly despite my malabsorption. If he or she is a little smaller than the four older ones — or at least has a slightly smaller head — I won’t complain. Honest.

Any other suggestions? – Skinny pregnant Mommy Soup

Dear My Chemical Romance,

I love you. Clearly even after four kids we can still find time for each other, since I’m pregnant and all. I’m not exactly sure when it happened, but I think sometime between January and when I took the kids to Disney World and ended up needing ass surgery, and you had to come rescue the kids and me and drive us home and I took too many painkillers and threw up in a paper bag in the car and the bag tore open and the dog licked up all the vomit and you and the kids gagged and insisted we drive with the windows down despite the fact that it was 45 degrees outside. I’m feeling much better now — and I still love you!

I’m very sorry that the health department wants to shut down our kitchen because it’s “toxic levels of nast.” I’m also sorry that you had to go commando to work twice this week because the laundry isn’t done. (Next time try borrowing a pair of my underwear!) Thank you for coming home from work early because I was having afternoon sickness — and bringing Kris*py Kre*me! Thank you for yelling at the kids when I was too tired to do so and could only wave my arm weakly at them while narrowing my eyes and trying to give THE LOOK.

I hope that in a few weeks, when I’m in my second trimester, I will have some energy back. Until then, I will buy you more boxers this weekend.

xoxox Mommy Soup

Entry filed under: family, food, weight loss surgery. Tags: , , .

Parenting Advice for the Girl From Outer Space It’s not about the baby

4 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Chantel  |  May 21, 2010 at 10:22 pm

    R.O.F.L.M.A.O. This one is pure genius! So much so I had to type a response while laying in the dark covered by a barely conscious birthday baby. Forgive any typos. I love you and I hope you’re feeling better pronto. And dude, Dustin’s gotta love the kitty undies. ;)

    Reply
  • 2. Amber  |  May 22, 2010 at 12:49 am

    Congratulations!

    I hope that the second trimester is easier on you.

    Reply
  • 3. Smellyann  |  May 22, 2010 at 11:00 am

    LOVE the HK unnerpannies. Get those.

    I think I must be the only one on the planet who actually LIKES my protein shakes!

    Reply
  • 4. alia  |  May 23, 2010 at 11:05 am

    Oh WOW I want one!!!
    and I aint talkin bout the undies! >:)

    Reply

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About Mommy Soup

Wife and homeschooling mom of five, including my Christmas Day homebirth baby. Not Catholic, Amish, or quiverfull; we just like to... you know!

Writing about my interests: natural pregnancy and birth; attachment parenting; cooking; baking; homeschooling; green living; human rights; child passenger safety; dog training, and life after weight-loss surgery.

In my free time I try to figure out how I can promote world peace while wasting time on Facebook.

NaNoWriMo 2010

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