Dear Lovey Hart, I am Desperate

April 13, 2010 at 6:00 am 26 comments

Welcome to the April Carnival of Natural Parenting: Parenting advice!

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama. This month we’re writing letters to ask our readers for help with a current parenting issue. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

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(Does anyone remember that book? Kind of a tween romance novel, if I remember correctly, although the title implies it’s about an individual with narcissistic personality disorder who is contemplating suicide.)

I have some parenting questions.

  1. My children are constantly asking me who I love best: Animal, Vegetable, The Informant, or My Masterpiece. The truth is, I can’t answer that question; they all kind of suck! They leave their dirty and clean clothes mixed together so that I’m constantly doing laundry rather than engaging in the dreaded “sniff test;” they don’t always flush and then act all surprised when The Dog Without a Downside eats poop from the toilet; they claim to “forget” whether or not they’ve brushed their teeth; they say I’m mean because we don’t own a Wii, PlayStation, OR a DS; they think McD*nald’s French fries count as a vegetable; they stand over my shoulder while I’m cooking and sneeze in the soup; they want to cuddle with me only when they’re projectile vomiting or having an explosive nose bleed (and I’m wearing a freshly-washed white shirt); and their “inside voices” could raise the dead. In short, Who is my favorite? NONE OF THE ABOVE. (I don’t even like the Dog Without a Downside; who thinks feces is a treat?!?!?!?) How do I answer this question?
  2. Sometimes My Chemical Romance really gets on my nerves. He goes to the grocery store and remembers to pick up his Shr*dded Wheat but manages to forget the chocolate covered Ore*s that are imperative to my mental health, not to mention that he never brings reusable bags despite the fact that we have 80 billion. He often spends long periods of time reading Dungeons & Dragons blogs online but not hanging pictures in the dining room.  He once tried to convince me that Poinsettias were a romantic floral arrangement. My question is, If I switched his coffee to decaf for a few weeks, then changed it to espresso, would he be more helfpul around the house?
  3. My two-and-a-half-year-old stopped nursing a while ago. However, whenever we’re out in public (rarely; I have four young children and try to avoid exposing the world to them) she wants nummies. If I say no, she lifts up my shirt, revealing a lot of extra skin from three pregnancies – one with twins – not to mention a weight gain and loss of over a hundred and twenty pounds. To sum up: In an intimate situation with me, Frankenstein would want the lights off, thanks dear. She never wants to nurse when we’re home – only while at the grocery store or a restaurant or a near-stranger’s house (where I then get labeled as one of those moms, the kind who still nurses her two-and-a-half-year-old, on demand and in public, no less, with a stomach that resembles curdled cottage cheese). Short of liposuction and a tummy tuck, what can I do? I’m not sure Sp*anx are compatible with breastfeeding.
  4. Is there a better response than, “I just can’t keep my hands off my husband,” when well-meaning strangers comment on my huuuuuuuuuuuuuge family? I have four kids, including a set of twins. I’m not Michele Duggar; I’m just efficient.
  5. And another thing, how can I politely roll my eyes when women fawn over My Chemical Romance and the fact that he’s – gasp! – parenting his children? We’re talking about a situation in which a parent is actively parenting his children. It’s not rocket surgery. (And furthermore, they’re usually shoe-less, or wearing shorts and tank-tops in the snow, or a winter jacket in the summer, and they haven’t brushed their teeth since the Clinton Administration. That is the standard we accept from dads, apparently.)

xoxox

Cream of Mommy

2-COLUMN VERSION OF BOTTOM CODE:

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Carnival of Natural Parenting -- Hobo Mama and Code Name: MamaVisit Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

(This list will be updated by the end of the day April 13 with all the carnival links.)

Entry filed under: attachment parenting, family, weight loss surgery. Tags: , , , , .

Weight Loss Surgery: My ball and chain. What my bathroom says about me

26 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Dionna @ Code Name: Mama  |  April 13, 2010 at 9:47 am

    (snort) As far as who you love the best, I’d try to think of some unique attribute of each kidlet and say – well I love the way ____ does _____, and I love it when ____ does _____, (etc.), but I can’t think of who I love the best. But I’ll tell you what I love the least – leaving the toilet bowl full of doggy treats. (EW!)
    As for nursing belly – I have worn a nursing tank top almost every day since Kieran was born 28 months ago. I don’t mind flashing a breast – even (gasp) a nipple – but heaven forbid someone sees my belly roll!

    Reply
  • [...] Parenting Advice for the Girl From Outer Space — Mommy Soup from Cream of Mommy Soup has several questions for you, from how you play favorites when no one’s your favorite to how to tell off strangers curious about the ample size of your family. (@mommysoup) [...]

    Reply
  • 3. Maman A Droit  |  April 13, 2010 at 11:13 am

    1.) I love all of you equally!
    2.) I bet Oreos are good with espresso…perhaps post your shopping list on a D&D site?
    3.) I’d ask her to wait or nurse her in the car. Do you think she’s doing it as a security thing?
    4.) My hubby is one of 6 and has two aunts with 8 kids each! 4 is more than most people have (and sounds fun!) but is not “huge”! People should mind their own beeswax. I’d say if they make inapropriate comments, they deserve inappropriate responses like that you just can’t keep your hands off hubby
    5.)Eh I’d just look proud and smile smugly at apparently having a much better hubby than they do…as long as they keep their paws off. If they flirt, crush them.

    Reply
  • [...] Parenting Advice for the Girl From Outer Space — Mommy Soup from Cream of Mommy Soup has several questions for you, from how you play favorites when no one’s your favorite to how to tell off strangers curious about the ample size of your family. (@mommysoup) [...]

    Reply
  • 5. Melodie  |  April 13, 2010 at 11:53 am

    This is hilarious! I get the fawning over hubby when spotted doing parenting. I’m like “ah, that’s for show. For YOU!” (in my mind of course). I don’t know. Grin and bear it I think.
    And your toddler who pulls up your shirt in public? Mine does that too, and she still IS nursing. She’ll be 3 tomorrow. I just tell her that nursing is done at home. She doesn’t like it but repeat, repeat, repeat is all I do. Maybe you could say “we don’t lift up Mommy’s shirts in public. Only at home.” Maybe that would give everyone a giggle.

    Reply
  • 6. Diaper Duty Dilemma  |  April 13, 2010 at 12:07 pm

    [...] Parenting Advice for the Girl From Outer Space — Mommy Soup from Cream of Mommy Soup has several questions for you, from how you play favorites when no one’s your favorite to how to tell off strangers curious about the ample size of your family. (@mommysoup) [...]

    Reply
  • 7. P.S. House  |  April 13, 2010 at 1:30 pm

    Hahaha this post made me giggle. Thanks for the laugh! I say….teach the dog to flush the toilet (and mine too while you’re at it) get your children some of the mouthwash that shows them all the plaque they’re missing and as for the nursing in public of young child- that part I can adamantly say is no big deal. Just try to wear a tank top under your shirts for a while. It sounds like she is having trouble dealing with new situations and therefore wants nummies (which actually means you’re doing a bang-up job raising a self-confident, independent child! congratulations!)
    Mammapie

    Reply
  • 8. Natural Parenting  |  April 13, 2010 at 2:53 pm

    [...] Dear Lovey Hart, I am Desperate. — Mommy Soup from Cream of Mommy Soup has several questions for you, from how you play favorites when no one’s your favorite to how to tell off strangers curious about the ample size of your family. (@mommysoup) [...]

    Reply
  • 9. The McDilemma | PhD in Parenting  |  April 13, 2010 at 3:01 pm

    [...] Dear Lovey Hart, I am Desperate. — Mommy Soup from Cream of Mommy Soup has several questions for you, from how you play favorites when no one’s your favorite to how to tell off strangers curious about the ample size of your family. (@mommysoup) [...]

    Reply
  • 10. Lauren @ Hobo Mama  |  April 13, 2010 at 3:20 pm

    Oh, gosh, that was hilarious. I had a bad experience with a sniff test recently, so I completely understand your whole family’s suckiness. :)

    What is it with #2 — guys who can do so many things that aren’t hanging pictures and #5 — people who want to hand out awards to fathers who babysit their children? Makes me want to smack a few heads.

    For #3, I think I might be able to help you. Try a belly band that covers just your tummy. My 2-and-a-half-year-old prefers to pull down my tops, the better to expose all my massive bosom to the world. You’ve made me realize things could be worse…

    Reply
  • 11. Mama, That’s Too, Too Boring! « The Parent Vortex  |  April 13, 2010 at 3:50 pm

    [...] Dear Lovey Hart, I am Desperate. — Mommy Soup from Cream of Mommy Soup has several questions for you, from how you play favorites when no one’s your favorite to how to tell off strangers curious about the ample size of your family. (@mommysoup) [...]

    Reply
  • [...] Dear Lovey Hart, I am Desperate. — Mommy Soup from Cream of Mommy Soup has several questions for you, from how you play favorites when no one’s your favorite to how to tell off strangers curious about the ample size of your family. (@mommysoup) [...]

    Reply
  • 13. Perceptions of Discipline | Good Goog  |  April 13, 2010 at 4:02 pm

    [...] Dear Lovey Hart, I am Desperate. — Mommy Soup from Cream of Mommy Soup has several questions for you, from how you play favorites when no one’s your favorite to how to tell off strangers curious about the ample size of your family. (@mommysoup) [...]

    Reply
  • 14. A question of sleep and sanity « What I don't say  |  April 13, 2010 at 4:50 pm

    [...] Dear Lovey Hart, I am Desperate. — Mommy Soup from Cream of Mommy Soup has several questions for you, from how you play favorites when no one’s your favorite to how to tell off strangers curious about the ample size of your family. (@mommysoup) [...]

    Reply
  • 15. PreSchool Parents — Science@home  |  April 13, 2010 at 7:22 pm

    [...] Dear Lovey Hart, I am Desperate. — Mommy Soup from Cream of Mommy Soup has several questions for you, from how you play favorites when no one’s your favorite to how to tell off strangers curious about the ample size of your family. (@mommysoup) [...]

    Reply
  • 16. Paige  |  April 13, 2010 at 7:32 pm

    Oh on #2 I got that topped. My husband can’t take 1 minute to spray WD40 on the squeaky back door of the car but he can make an AMAZINGLY detailed lightsaber replica from plumbing supplies from Home Depot.

    Really? Seriously?

    LOL your post made me laugh.

    On the 5th one though – as an infertile woman asking questions about people’s family is a big no no. I would give my right arm to be the Duggars but the cards didn’t fall that way. I would never judge another family.

    Reply
  • 17. Darcel  |  April 13, 2010 at 8:21 pm

    I think the toddler asking to nurse only while your out is a security thing.
    Getting the hubby to help around the house….when you figure that out, please let me know!
    Well, he helps out just not as much as I would like.

    The next person who asks you about your family size, tell them it’s none of their business! Some people are so rude.
    I get the stink eye from women when we’re out and they see my husband being so hands on with the girls. I don’t know if that will ever go away.

    Reply
  • [...] Dear Lovey Hart, I am Desperate. — Mommy Soup from Cream of Mommy Soup has several questions for you, from how you play favorites when no one’s your favorite to how to tell off strangers curious about the ample size of your family. (@mommysoup) [...]

    Reply
  • 19. Zoey @ Good Goog  |  April 14, 2010 at 12:51 am

    I’d suggest the next time someone comments on your huuuuuge family, you point out that it’s not polite to talk about people’s weight.

    Reply
  • 20. Betsy  |  April 14, 2010 at 1:21 am

    No. There is absolutely not a better answer than “I just can’t keep my hands off my husband” to why you have so many children.

    Love it.

    Thanks for the laughs.

    Reply
  • 21. Deb  |  April 14, 2010 at 5:56 am

    Thanks, that was great!
    ‘I love you all’ works but is pretty boring, ‘whoever gives me the most kisses’ is also good.

    Feeding in public’s no problem, I often wear dresses that pull down or unbutton so she can’t expose too much.

    Ewwww to your dog, sorry, I couldn’t keep it in.

    Reply
  • 22. Natalie @ Naddy's Blog  |  April 14, 2010 at 4:28 pm

    I love nursing tank tops.

    As far as the family size thing, my favorite line (not that I’ve had much chance to use it yet) is, “Yes, we finally figured it out… no leaving our toothbrushes in the same cup overnight!” ;-)

    Reply
  • 23. the Grumbles  |  April 15, 2010 at 12:52 pm

    Ha! Nice work, this was very funny.

    1) I love whomever makes brownies most. I love the dog that eats poop the least. (At least at our house)

    2) I like your decaf – espresso switch plan

    4) My husband is one of eight. Everyone just asks if they’re Catholic. They are.

    5) That is my pet peeve! I don’t understand why men get all this special attention for doing the exact same thing we moms do all the time. So I usually walk the other direction from people pointing out things like that.

    @Natalie, I like your answer!

    Reply
  • 24. Laura  |  April 15, 2010 at 7:34 pm

    Oh my gosh, this was HILARIOUS!

    1) You could always bribe them, you know. “I love the one of you who cleans up his room the fastest” or something like that. Teaching them that love is something we can earn is a good thing, right? ;)

    2) He might not be more helpful, but he would definitely be more energetic, which unfortunately, might lead to baby #5 and then you would get WAY more questions on family size!

    3) Nursing tank tops are the bomb. Seriously, next to sex and Starburst jellybeans, I can’t live without them.

    4) I like your response, or “I guess we ‘re just better at it than you are.”

    5) Don’t even bother with politely rolling your eyes. Just do it where they can all see it. Either that, or jump your husband in front of them. Let them ladies know who he belongs to!

    :o)

    Reply
  • 25. OneStarryNight.com: Dear Natural Parenting Community  |  May 13, 2012 at 4:44 am

    [...] Dear Lovey Hart, I am Desperate.Mommy Soup from Cream of Mommy Soup has several questions for you, from how you play favorites when no one’s your favorite to how to tell off strangers curious about the ample size of your family.(@mommysoup) [...]

    Reply
  • 26. Jeannie  |  June 2, 2013 at 1:53 pm

    You gotta stop. I am laughing over here. My cousins wife nursed her last child/only boy until he was 5.

    Just before that we were at a wedding reception, he kept demanding, then he grabbed the top of her dress and pulled it way down (no bra). Exposing quite a bit to a room full of people.

    If they are old enough to ask with words, they are old enough to understand when a person says no, not right now or wait till we get home… Here is a drink of water, drink that right now. Give them water if they want and a hug.

    It helps them learn impulse control.

    Reply

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About Mommy Soup

Wife and homeschooling mom of five, including my Christmas Day homebirth baby. Not Catholic, Amish, or quiverfull; we just like to... you know!

Writing about my interests: natural pregnancy and birth; attachment parenting; cooking; baking; homeschooling; green living; human rights; child passenger safety; dog training, and life after weight-loss surgery.

In my free time I try to figure out how I can promote world peace while wasting time on Facebook.

NaNoWriMo 2010

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